People Have Something in Common (And I Need Your Help!)

Posted on April 25, 2011 by Charity

I am not sure if I mentioned this on here, but I am in a coach training program. I hope to get certified and start a coaching practice. I’m not sure what kind of coach I want to be, yet, probably a life coach.

In coaching, there are 9 guiding principles. The first is that people have something in common. When you are coaching, it is important that you come from a place where you are not judging your coachee. You arrive at that place by first acknowledging that we all share a common ground of being.

This principle has really resonated with me, especially as it applies to talking with people of a different religion.

As atheists, it is easy to convey an attitude of derision toward people who believe things that we find ridiculous. Some do so more than others, but even if we try to be nice, our language is often received as hostile by religious people.

I find that it is important for me to return to that common ground of being and remember that life is hard to make sense of sometimes, for all of us. Some of us need to believe in god in order to try and make sense of it. For others, including myself, life makes more sense without religion.

But, either way, we are all people trying to navigate our way through life, and when we remember that common place we all start from, it makes it easier to relate to each other on a meaningful level.

I am writing a paper this coming weekend about this guiding principle for one of my classes. It would be of tremendous help to me if you shared with me your thoughts about what you just read. You can comment here, or send me a private message using the “Contact” link above.

Some possible questions to answer for me: How do you identify your religious beliefs? Generally, how do you perceive or interact with people with different views than your own? Would it change the way you perceive or interact with others if you kept in mind that everyone has something in common? Or anything else you want to share.

Thanks for your help!

Posted in Religion & Atheism | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

My First Easter without Jesus

Posted on April 24, 2011 by Charity

This post first appeared on April 1, 2010.

Sunday will be my first Easter since I stopped believing in Jesus.

It’s kind of weird to not have plans to go to church for Easter.  We went to church every Sunday, but Easter was always a big deal service designed to appeal to the seekers.  Our church always had a big variety show-style service with the band, choir, dancers, and skits.  The church even rented a bigger space to accommodate the increased crowd size and hold only one service, instead of the usual five services they have on regular Sundays.

As you may know, if you have ever read my craft blog, I love planning big meals, doing crafts, and decorating.  When I was a Christian, though, I believed that celebrating the secular trimmings of Christian holidays trivialized the meaning, so I stopped doing a lot of it.

Yes, as my husband pointed out to me the other night, I took all the fun out of being a Christian.

I can’t help that I took it seriously.  I fail to see much point in being a Christian, if you’re not going to take it seriously.  Maybe that was my problem.

But I digress.

This Easter, I have been enjoying the planning of a secular celebration, like those of my youth.  I can buy the kids big baskets and fill them with candy, without worrying about rotting their souls along with their teeth.  I can make decorations of bunnies and eggs, without guilt over participating in a pagan celebration.  And I don’t have to worry about how I am going to schedule the cooking around the church-going.

I find it freeing.  Which is ironic, since freedom is what I was seeking to find in Christ.

I think I did, for a time.  Being forgiven, being loved unconditionally, feels free.  Coming out from under the burden of the past mistakes is true freedom.

But, when most, if not all, of the guilt over past mistakes comes from Christianity in the first place, from this notion of how God wants us to behave, then it doesn’t take long for the freedom to turn into bondage.

Some might say I was just being legalistic, or that I need “a relationship, not religion.”  And, indeed, some have said just that.

To that, I say, show me a religion that has no standards of behavior and I’ll show you a religion that has no point.

If what is said in the Bible is just a friendly suggestion, it has no point.  At least, no more of a point than any other good book of religion or philosophy, and certainly not enough to call me into a life of service to its god.

For there to be a need for Jesus, and his death and resurrection, we first need to have sinned.  There needs to exist that separation from God.  For us to have sinned, there needs to be standards of behavior laid out by God that we violated.  So, for anyone to suggest that Christianity is only about grace and not about standards of behavior is a bit disingenuous.

That’s not to say that I have no standards of behavior.  I do.  Only, now, they are based on what behavior will yield the best results for me and the world around me, not some book that is thousands of years old and was written to a long ago, foreign culture.

And my new standards, which are in many ways like the old ones, allow for me to celebrate spring with my family, without all the guilt.

Posted in Religion & Atheism | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Why I Still Celebrate Easter as an Atheist

Posted on April 22, 2011 by Charity

This past week, I have been preparing for Easter. Planning a menu, finding a few new recipes online, shopping, cleaning, decorating, and all the other stuff I love, yet hate, about holidays. During this time, I have thought a lot about why I still want to celebrate Easter, even though I am an atheist.

I have always thought there was immense value in marking the passing of time and important events with celebrations. Getting together with family and friends – especially when there is delicious food involved – is good for the soul (meaning, of course, our emotional/psychological well-being, not a literal soul, in the religious sense).

Living in Vermont, winter is long, cold, snowy, dark, and did I mention long? Spring is a season that just begs to be welcomed with a large celebration! And why wouldn’t we want to celebrate it? It is the time of the earth’s rebirth. The grass is turning green, the birds are returning, the trees are budding, the bulbs are blooming, and, most importantly, the snow has melted. Another long, snowy winter has come to an end. Pass the ham!

I noticed this year that a lot of stores have spring-themed decor, rather than just religious-themed, making it even easier to have a secular Easter celebration. Now I can have flower cupcake papers and butterfly serving dishes, alongside the traditional bunnies, eggs, and chicks.

Now, I know I don’t have to celebrate spring on Easter, but the vernal equinox is usually still way too cold, and it’s a convenient way to plan the date and make sure I don’t forget to mark this special time of year.

So, while Christians are thinking about their stories of the death and resurrection of Jesus and what it means to them, I will be taking a break from my hectic life to celebrate family and welcome spring, thankful that I no longer need to plan my cooking around the church service.

Have a happy Easter, and thanks for reading Shatter Nicely!

 

Posted in Religion & Atheism | Tagged , , , | Comments Off

God’s Smiling on Texas

Posted on April 20, 2011 by Charity

Not long after I stopped believing in god, a friend of mine posted on facebook, “It’s a beautiful sunny day. God is smiling on Texas today!”

That annoyed me to no end. Here in Vermont, it was not beautiful, nor sunny. I thought, If god is smiling on Texas, then what’s he doing to Vermont?

That’s the implication of statements like that. If you believe god is showing you favor when things go well, then what does that mean when the opposite is true? If god answers your prayers when he cures your loved ones, then he’s ignoring the prayers of others whose loved ones are allowed to die.

I know, I know, god works in mysterious ways, et cetera, but I can’t help but feel like those ways are kind of dickish.

Anyway, this morning, I saw the headline, Texas burning ‘from border to border,’ and it reminded me of that facebook post.

So, if god was smiling on Texas that day, what’s he doing now?

Posted in Religion & Atheism | Tagged , , | Comments Off

“Like” Shatter Nicely on Facebook

Posted on April 5, 2011 by Charity

I have been thinking lately about the best way to share links and short thoughts with you, without having to do a full post. I decided the best way was to create a facebook page.

If you are not on facebook, there is a box right at the top of this blog’s sidebar with the recent facebook posts, so you can see the things I post, too. (But, why aren’t you on facebook?)

If you are on facebook, please consider liking Shatter Nicely. When you do, links to the latest posts, and anything else I share, will show up in your news feed. And you can leave comments over there or post on the wall, too. (Okay, yeah, you probably know how facebook pages work!)

Hope to see you there!

Posted in Admin Notes | Tagged | Comments Off

The Meaning of Life

Posted on April 2, 2011 by Charity

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, “The meaning of life is to live it.”

Now, normally, I don’t find a whole lot of wisdom in bumper sticker sayings, but this one little sentence really says a lot. The meaning of life is to live it.

We spend so much time trying to figure out the meaning, the grand purpose of our existence.

I know I have even spent a great deal of time defending the very idea that I could find meaning in my life, once I decided that I didn’t believe in god anymore.

But, really, what greater meaning does there need to be other than just being here, experiencing all that life has to offer?

The idea that a life without the “higher” purpose of serving god would be a meaningless life spent in pursuit of money, things, or the next high, with little regard for treating other people with dignity and respect, is a foolish one, indeed.

One needn’t believe in god to experience love, to care about others, to have friendship.

In fact, I would argue that any relationship that is predicated on one person’s desire to “save” the other is not a real friendship. Any help that is offered a neighbor only to show god’s love or serve the lord isn’t real caring. Any time you are “loving” someone because god loves them or because god will hold you accountable when you get to heaven is not real love in any sense that I understand the word.

Meaning is found through relationship, not with some first century carpenter, but with the people around us (both physically and virtually). And we get what we put into those relationships, which is the only motivation one really needs to be a decent person, not threat of hellfire and damnation or offer of eternal reward.

Meaning is found through getting out there and living our lives, filling them up with experiences and friendships that make life enjoyable and lift us up during the down times.

If someone else feels like they need god for life to have meaning, then fine. I am not here to change anyone’s mind.

But, for me, belief in god detracted from what I have come to see is the real meaning of life – living it.

Posted in Religion & Atheism | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Open Discussion Post (Plus a Few Thoughts)

Posted on March 20, 2011 by Charity

I went to comment on the “Molecules” post and I noticed that comments were closed. I have the blog set up to close comments after 2 weeks, so I don’t have to waste any time moderating SPAM comments on old posts. If it becomes an impediment to conversation, I will probably adjust it. But, we don’t often see that much discussion on this blog! Most of the time, readers choose to e-mail me privately. (Which I always welcome and appreciate, by the way!)

At any rate, I thought I would throw this post up here as a place for any conversations that anyone wants to continue, or even new ones you want to start.

I want to add a couple things to my comments in the “Molecules” post.

First, I want to say that I am not here to debate theology. That’s not to say that I am so sure that I am right (that there is no god) that I would never listen to someone try and convince me, or anything like that. I am not closed-minded. It’s just not what this blog is about for me. I am not posting here to make an argument or convince anyone to become an atheist. I am not an evangelical. I don’t need converts.

This blog is just where I post about my feelings and experiences with Christianity (a very specific kind of Christianity, not every possible permutation of Christianity), my deconversion experience, and my thoughts about life, and other stuff, now that I am an atheist.

I don’t have the time, nor the inclination, to debate theology. I welcome all comments and I enjoy reading what others have to say on the matter, but I want to let you know that I will probably not participate much in the discussion. Don’t take it personally.

Speaking of not taking things personally, I know this blog is hard to read for anyone who is still a Christian. It feels like a personal attack. Know that it is not. If I am angry, snide, sarcastic, or in any other way unpleasant, it is toward the emotional harm that I brought to myself by believing things that I believed and doing things that I did, while I was a Christian.

This is about me. This blog is about me. Not you. Not god. But me. This blog is a place where I come to sort out my feelings and thoughts. Along the way, I have met other people who have had similar experiences. This blog is about them, too.

I know that Christianity is a very personal religion. As such, it is hard to separate a person’s dislike of or abandonment of the religion from that person’s feelings for you. I get that. I was there. I also experience it from the other side, now. I feel the pain of knowing that some of my relationships will never be the same again. I even still have friends and family members who do now know that I am an atheist because I am still afraid of what it will do to our relationship.

But, try to keep in mind that I do not have any bad feelings toward anyone for believing. I don’t think they are stupid or foolish. I understand that everyone is just trying to make sense of this crazy world we all live in, and we all do that the best way we know how.

Please respect that I am just doing the same thing.

Posted in Admin Notes, Religion & Atheism | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments

A God-Shaped Hole?

Posted on March 18, 2011 by Charity

Christians have this saying that there is a God-shaped hole in your heart that only he can fill. That is why we always feel a longing for something else. It is said that God made us that way, so we would come to him.

This theme has been coming up a lot lately for me. I even saw that phrase on a blog this morning, after I had already decided to write this post.

Obviously, since I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe that he put a god-shaped hole in our hearts, but I do admit that often I feel a longing for something more.

If it’s a God-shaped hole, how come I still felt that way when I was a believer? I always looked to God to fill it, but yet it was always still there.

I have come to realize that it is an evolutionary necessity that we are always looking for something more. Think about it. If we felt like our lives were complete and lacking nothing, most people would not bother having children and the species would die out.

It’s that innate human desire for something more, something bigger, something better that leads us to discovery. None of the inventions of man could have happened without that human quality we all have that drives us to always be seeking something else.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s not meant to be filled. Without it, we are not driven to do, to explore, to invent, to imagine, to create, to do better, to be better people, to live life to its fullest.

So, the next time a Christian says that I have a God-shaped hole in my heart, I will reply that I do, indeed, have a hole. But it is a life-shaped hole, and the only way to fill it is by living.

(As I was re-reading this, it suddenly felt familiar. Yep, I blogged about this same topic before!)

Posted in Religion & Atheism | Tagged , , | Comments Off

A Quick Hello

Posted on March 17, 2011 by Charity

I just wanted to pop in and say, hi! I have a couple of posts that I have been trying to find the time to do this week, but I have been so busy!

My life is finally starting to come together. I enrolled in a personal coaching training program. I am very excited about this. I have not really known what I wanted to do with my life for years, so having a focus is so invigorating!

The down side is that I have been super busy the past week, and will be again in a couple weeks when classes start. But, that’s a good thing!

I am also working on wrapping up our homeschool year, doing taxes, and some other yearly paperwork-type things, so that’s why I haven’t participated much in the comments discussion. But, thank you for the comments discussion! We don’t see too many of those around here!

I will definitely post this weekend! Hope you have a great St. Patrick’s Day! I have my corned beef on the stove right now.

(Man, I need to lay off the “!” key!)

Posted in Admin Notes | Comments Off

Challenging My Thinking

Posted on March 10, 2011 by Charity

I was responding to a comment on the last post and I sort of got into the zone, where my writing was flowing freely, without really thinking about it. When I finished, I went back and read what I had written and I realized that I’ve been through a lot in just a little over a year.

First, let me post what I wrote. To set it up: I was responding to a question about how accepting that there is no god could change my political views. The commenter also said that I did not seem “comfortable” in my atheism, and suggested that I have second thoughts about it.

You ask why accepting that there is no god would change my politics. The reason is simple, if I could be wrong about something that was such a huge part of how I lived my life – it was my life! – then what else could I be wrong about? I have questioned EVERYTHING. My politics have changed a little, but my parenting has changed a lot. My marriage has changed a lot. The way I eat, the way I dress, the way I talk, what I watch, what I read, how I think about marriage and sexuality and money and life – EVERYTHING has changed! There is nothing, no area of life, where I have not challenged my thinking and what I have always accepted as right or the right way to think.

So, in a way, I am not comfortable. It is not atheism that I am uncomfortable with, though. I do not have doubts about that. I really do not question if I am wrong about god. I do not believe anymore that god exists. What I am uncomfortable about is that the foundations of my life have been shaken to the core! I have to rethink everything – nothing is certain! It has led me to a much better and more fulfilling life, but it is scary. It makes me uneasy. It is difficult to face uncertainty, but I have discovered so many wonderful things about myself and the world around me. And I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I have undergone some major life changes, any one of which would have been difficult. I have never really listed it out like that or though about just how many things have changed for me.

Geez, no wonder I get so overwhelmed at times!

It makes me feel better about it to look back and see how substantial of a change it really was. (And it makes me realize that I have left you guys out of the loop on a lot of things, things which I should be blogging about!)

When I left Christianity, I found myself with a lot of unanswered questions about life. The more I thought about those questions, the more I realized that I needed to start looking at things in a different way. I’ve lived most of my life just going along with what I thought was the normal or right way to look at things.

I didn’t come to a place of challenging my thinking on my own. It was a combination of influences from many different places, from an old high school acquaintance to atheist blogger extraordinaire Greta Christina, and everyone in between. Friends, family, people on facebook or twitter, bloggers, commenters on blogs, I have gathered wisdom from so many places and it has made me realize that there is a whole world out there of opinions and beliefs and experiences, and that to limit ourselves to one way of looking at the world is to deny ourselves a chance to really live the best life we can.

I feel like my life is much better than it was a year or two ago, as a direct result of stepping outside my comfort zone and asking myself some tough questions about, well, pretty much everything.

Don’t get me wrong, it was difficult. The days and weeks when I was not blogging were often times that I was struggling with things. But change is growth. And growth is a good thing.

So, what areas of your life changed when you left your religion? Or, if you haven’t had a de-conversion experience, when is the last time that you challenged one of your beliefs? What was the outcome? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

Posted in Religion & Atheism | Tagged , , | 1 Comment