I hate Valentine’s Day.

It’s true. I like Valentine’s Day crafts and decorating and baking. I mean, what’s not to love about pink hearts and chocolate? But, I hate Valentine’s Day.

I guess a woman who thinks love is for suckers and a man who thinks Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday are not exactly the poster children for romance, but that’s not why I hate it.

I think Valentine’s Day just sets people up for disappointment. And I think that sucks.

There’s so much pressure to make it special. The perfect dinner, just the right gift, the most romantic night ever. How could something like that not end in disappointment?

I did get a nice surprise this morning, when my 7-year-old came in my room and gave me a construction paper heart that said, “Happy Valentine’s Day Mom,” and a hug. How could I not love that?

But then, I pulled a muscle in my back while making cupcakes and have been in excruciating pain ever since. Yea, Valentine’s Day!

The thing I hate most about Valentine’s Day is the constant stream of sappy, over-the-top expressions of love. Facebook is the worst. Ugh!

I may have mentioned that I think love is for suckers. Yeah, I am a big time cynic when it comes to believing in the happily ever after kind of love you see in the movies, or on diamond commercials.

And don’t tell me I just haven’t found the right person or I will punch you, after I barf.

I’ve been in love. I’ve been head-over-heels, over-the-moon in love (though you would never catch me gushing about it on facebook – ever). I am just realistic about the fact that love is not that perfect thing that people try to make it out to be.

Love leads to pain, and vulnerability, and disappointment, even in the best of relationships. It’s not all roses and chocolate and the perfect night out. That’s the nature of loving someone. In order to do it, you have to leave yourself open to all that bad stuff. And it’s inevitable that the person you love will hurt you, even if they don’t mean to. You know, being human and all.

That’s not to say that I don’t think we need love. It’s important. Not as important as air, or food, or even facebook, but it is important. It also kind of sucks.

I wonder if I could get that on a Hallmark card.

Here are 11 things I want to do in 2011:

1. Learn to play Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” on the guitar. (Yes, I am serious.)
2. Watch the sunset over Lake Champlain at least once a month.
3. Go to Montreal. (I haven’t been since before I had Ethan, who is 7.)
4. Read a book about photography.
5. Take at least one good picture of each of the kids every month.
6. Learn a new craft.
7. Read a book every month. (One that was written for adults, not kids!)
8. Come out about my atheism to the rest of my Christian friends.
9. Paint a picture.
10. Take a vacation, no matter how small.
11. Write a story.

Happy New Year, blog friends! What do you want to do in 2011?

At the start of last year, I was very confused and emotionally overwhelmed. I had just left Christianity and was still trying to make sense of it. My personal relationships were in turmoil because of everything that was going on with me.

This year is different. Emotionally, I feel settled. I have a clear picture of where I want to go with my life. I have spent this past week giving a lot of thought to that and I like what I came up with.

I didn’t make a list of resolutions, but more a list of life goals, with specific steps I need to take to get myself there. I have goals for healthy living, finances, and parenting/homeschooling. I feel like having this road map will help me get the most out of my life, rather than just letting another year pass without really getting anywhere.

It’s a good feeling to be starting the year with my head on straight. I hope 2011 will be a better year than 2010 was.

How will you remember 2010? Was it a good year for you?

Part of making this year’s resolutions successful is taking a look back at last year’s resolutions and evaluating how I did.

Last year was the first time I did new year’s resolutions for as long as I can remember.  Normally, I am of the school of thought that you shouldn’t let the calendar dictate when you should start making positive changes in your life.

But, last year was the beginning of a new chapter in my life, so I thought it appropriate to make some sort of map of what I wanted to do.

Here’s what I said on this blog last New Year’s Eve,

For the past several years, my life has been exactly the same year after year, with New Year’s Day signifying only my renewed commitment to strengthening my relationship with Jesus Christ.

This year, there is no such commitment renewal. There is no Jesus Christ. There is only this world and this life. I will spend this year trying to figure out how to best live this life, without fear or anticipation for what comes after death, without trying to serve or please some non-existent deity, without being afraid of my own thoughts and feelings.

This year, I resolve to enjoy every moment of my new-found freedom. I vow to make myself a better person and the world a better place, not out of fear or a need to impress god or bring people to him, but because this is the only life I have and I want to make it count.

Off-blog, my new year’s resolutions were a bit more specific.  I bought a nice, new journal and wrote in it my 2010 goals.

1. Walk, daily
2. Write in my journal, daily
3. Learn to play guitar
4. Make more money (from home)

So, how’d I do?

1. I actually did this for quite a while, but then my bad knee started bothering me – a lot – especially once I increased the intensity.  After that, I started learning hoop dancing, which I am still doing.  So, I kind of feel like I actually kept this resolution, or at least the spirit of it, which was to get my butt up off the couch and get some exercise.

2. This I did not do.  It’s unfortunate because it could have made things a lot easier for me this year because I went through a lot of emotional stuff with the deconversion and then with my marriage (which I know I have not talked about yet).  The bottom line for this exercise is determining why I was not successful with this goal.  The reason is that I did not make time for it.  I didn’t take it seriously.

3. Again, fail.  I spent a few weeks practicing chromatic scales and that was the end of it.  The problem?  Did you read that last sentence? I made something fun into something dreadfully boring.  What I should have done was start by learning a few simple, fun songs, so playing the guitar was not a chore, but something I wanted to do.  That is typical Charity, though, which acknowledging is hopefully going to benefit me in the future.

4. Too vague.  I did make a few extra dollars, so technically I did meet this goal.  But, that isn’t what I meant when I said it.  I should have written down how much money I wanted to make and my plans for getting there, or something like that.

So, now I have a list of what to do this year, based on what I did wrong last year – make specific, measurable goals, don’t suck the joy out of something that was meant to be fun (or anything, for that matter), make time for my goals and take them seriously.

Despite these failures, I did a lot of positive things in 2010.  I started eating right and exercising and taking care of myself – and I lost 20 pounds.  I dealt with a lot of emotional baggage.  I did some difficult work on my marriage.  I made some new friends online, and I made it a point to spend time with my offline friends, in real life.

Overall, 2010 was a positive year for me, but I am glad it is over.  It was a transition year for me and transitions are often hard.  I am looking forward to 2011 and to moving ahead with my life free from a lot of the emotional burdens that weighed on me this year.

I don’t really think that is a good way to live. Being afraid to commit to any ideas can be just as bad as blindly believing in them.

The vegetarianism is a good example.  I have not been calling myself a vegetarian (other than here on the blog), but instead I say that I haven’t been eating meat, and say it timidly at that. I also keep saying that I can eat meat, but I just choose not to. And if I am asked why I stopped eating meat, I say that there’s no real reason; I just felt like it.

That’s basically true, but there’s more to it than that. Why would I stop eating meat if I didn’t actually have reasons? And if my reasons are strong enough to make me pass on meat that looks tempting, like the plate of bacon that was set on the counter in front of me Friday morning (mmmm, bacon), or that awesome stuffing on Thanksgiving, then they must mean at least something to me. So, why can’t I state them at all? What am I afraid will happen if I say something with some conviction?

It’s not just the vegetarianism, either.  I have been lackadaisical and noncommittal about pretty much everything.

But, as I said in my post, I shouldn’t let my reluctance to be religious and dogmatic stop me from committing to a good idea!

There is something between those two extremes.  It is possible to be passionate about good ideas while remaining willing to challenge them honestly.  I should strive for that kind of balance, rather than being afraid of repeating the mistake of unquestioningly dedicating myself to a flawed belief system.

On the ride down, I said that I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about the stuffing and the gravy on my mashed potatoes.  Mashed potatoes and gravy is my favorite comfort food and I never eat it except on holidays.  Since I don’t have any real compelling reason driving my vegetarianism, I feel like I can eat meat or meat by-products if I want, so sometimes I think about it.

I decided that I wasn’t going to.  My body has been feeling really good since I stopped eating meat.  I shouldn’t let my reluctance to be religious and dogmatic stop me from committing to a good idea!

As it turns out, my mother-in-law hates turkey gravy, so the gravy I have been loving for the past 10 Thanksgivings has actually been Campbell’s mushroom gravy.  It has no meat-related ingredients.  Mashed potatoes and gravy for the win!

An added bonus is that I learned that I actually like mushroom gravy.  Now I have a meatless alternative for all my gravy needs.

So, my first vegetarian Thanksgiving went off without a hitch.  I was still able to eat way too much food, even without the turkey and stuffing, and it was delicious!

For some reason, every time I went to write “Thanksgiving,” it would come out “Thinksgiving.”  So, I started thinking we should have a holiday like that.

Giving thanks is great and an important thing to do.  But, shouldn’t we also have a day when people think?  How much time do average people spend really thinking critically about their religious beliefs?  Or about whether the assumptions they make about life or any aspect of it are reasonable or true?

Yeah, “Thinksgiving” is probably a stupid name for it.  (Probably??) But, it’s an idea that sure would make quite an impact on the way people live their lives.  I mean, not us navel gazing blogger types, we already think too much, but the kind of people who take their beliefs for granted and rarely, if ever, question or challenge them.

I kept putting off making the pie.  Then I realized that I didn’t even have foil, which I need to bake the empty crust, so I was even less enthusiastic about it.

While online, procrastinating, of course, I noticed the Google doodle.

I thought, oh, I wish I had a tart pan.  Then I would just make a graham cracker crust, like in the doodle.  Wait, I do have one.  I bought it to make my sister a fruit tart for Easter.  And I just bought graham crackers.  Cool.  Problem solved.

That’s just what I did.  The pie looks amazing.  So do the pumpkin whoopie pies with cream cheese filling – yum!

What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, so Google saved the day.

I was thinking about that after and it reminded me of how many things I attributed to God when I was a Christian.  I probably wouldn’t have thought God had anything to do with the pie crust situation, but that’s just an example of how the universe seems to come together in our favor sometimes.  Without god’s help.

I am continually amazed at all of the things that just come together at the right time.  I mean, who would have thought that my blogging nemesis for years would become one of my best friends during the first few months of my de-conversion?  And I can’t even count how many times I wanted to give up on this blog and then someone would send me an email that said just the right words to keep me going.

I just think it’s really fascinating how things just fall into place, how all of the webs of interaction we have with each other fit together like it was done on purpose.

I can see why people feel like they need to put a god behind that.  I always did.

I find it no less amazing when things work out just right now that I don’t believe there is a god behind it.  And I don’t feel like I need there to be something behind it.  It just is.  The random awesomeness of the universe.

Now you have something to ponder while you eat your Thanksgiving pie.

No, instead, I relaxed.  (A novel concept.)  I read the rest of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. (Tomorrow’s the big day!!!)  I went downtown and brought a very expensive cup of coffee to my sister at work.  ($7.66 for 2 tall, aka small, lattes!!!)  I walked to the drug store and bought some face wash.  (My 33-year run of having perfect skin has, unfortunately, come to an end.  I am not taking it gracefully.)  I dyed my hair.  (It’s kind of too brown.  I miss my strawberry blonde, now.  Cue Cinderella… Don’t know what you got…)  I did laundry.  (Okay, that’s not relaxing.)  I made some incredible General Tso’s Tofu with broccoli and snow peas and a killer homemade sauce with fresh ginger and garlic.  (I always hated tofu, but it turns out I just never had tofu that was cooked well.)

I’m sure I did other things.  Mostly, I just went about my day at my own pace, with no one asking me to get them something to eat, or to pleeease let them buy Call of Duty:Black Ops, or to make his brother stop doing this or that.  It was quite awesome.

So, I didn’t get any blog posts done, and you were forced to read a boring account of my day, filled with far too many parentheticals, instead.  I am sorry about that.  Not that I had a great day, but that you had to read about it.  But, I did commit to blogging every day this month, so I had to post something.

Feel free to share with me any and all boring or exciting details about your day.  Then I can read it and we will be even.

This is a little off-topic.  Oh, yeah, since this is my blog, I guess whatever I say is on topic.  What I mean is that it’s not about Christianity.  But, really, how draining would it be for me to post about Christianity every single day?

One of the things I like about having blogs is that I can always look up the date that something important happened to me.  I have the past 4 years, 9 months of my life archived online, which is both cool and weird.

Anyway, this was something that I wanted to remember, so I figured I would just tell you and then I wouldn’t forget.

It all started two weeks ago, on October 25, when I posted on facebook,

I am seriously thinking about giving up meat. Keeping crickets in a cage, feeding and taking care of them for the sole purpose of feeding them to my lizard has made me aware of how cruel it is to raise animals just to eat them.

I haven’t had meat since then.

It’s not that I think eating meat is necessarily wrong, and I am not going to be one of those preachy vegetarians.  (Those people are annoying.)  I just don’t feel like I want to do it anymore.

It’s not just about the animals.  I also don’t feel like it’s healthy for my body.  I usually feel sluggish when I eat meat.  I didn’t really eat that much of it to begin with for that reason.

I am not saying that it’s not healthy for anyone, just that I don’t feel very healthy when I eat it.

There have been a couple of times when I almost had some out of habit, especially when making it for the kids, but the thought of eating it is kind of gross to me right now.

That could always change.  I’m not married to the idea of being a vegetarian forever.  It just feels right to me right now.  If I were still a Christian, I would say, “God put it on my heart.” But, since I don’t believe in God, I guess it’s just on my heart.  No one really put it there.  It just kind of got there.  So, I’m going with it.

It’s actually been pretty fun because I have tried some new foods and new recipes.  I have felt better, too.  It’s definitely not something I am doing because I feel like I have to, and  I am enjoying it so far.