When I was clearing out my Christian books the other day, I put a bunch in a box to send to some friends who had given them to me out of their personal library when they moved.  I figured it was the right thing to do, rather than throw them out.

I wanted to enclose a letter, letting them know how things are going for me, but I kept getting hung up on the fact that I know they cannot believe that anyone can be alright without Jesus.  No matter what I say, it will be a sad and painful experience for them to receive the books from me, knowing that I have rejected god.

The thing is, these are people who are in a lot of ways not happy.  I mean, I don’t know how they are right now, since I haven’t seen them in well over a year.  But, before they moved, they were pouring everything into their ministry and had become very overwhelmed and very overweight.  They were both having health problems due to obesity and money problems due to how much they were giving to others.

I imagine what it would be like if they saw me now.  I have changed so much.  I am much happier and less stressed than I was before.  I have developed a healthy selfishness, since becoming an atheist, where I now take time for myself and take care of myself.  I have lost 20 pounds, so far.  I am doing things that make me happy, without the guilt.  All of my relationships have improved.  My life is going great.

How could they explain that away?  How would they be able to reconcile their belief that a person needs god and my experience that I am better off without belief?

The answer, of course, is satan.

The Christian explanation for the happiness and success of non-Christians is that Satan, the prince of this world, will give you everything you want in this life, if you turn from god.

If you are miserable in faith, it’s because god is testing you and making you more like his son – but, you’ll be rewarded in heaven.  If you are happy in atheism, it’s because you turned from god and satan is trying to deceive you into thinking it’s the better life by rewarding you with earthly pleasures – but, you will not be truly happy in the long run without god, the source of all things good, and you’ll be punished for eternity, on top of that.

There really is no winning that argument.

Obviously, I made a deal with the devil, to be happy and healthy.

Of course, my eternal soul will suffer in hell.  But, at least all the fun people will be there.

With the arrival of fall, I can’t help but think back to this time last year, when I my faith came unraveled and I started down the road to atheism.

I’ve been feeling very emotional the past couple of days, with regard to everything that has happened this past year.  It’s a bittersweet time.

I am reminded of all I have overcome and accomplished within myself over the past year.  I went from being lost and confused this time last year, to being strong, confident, and optimistic only a year later.

At the same time, I am reminded of the losses of friends and church community, and the loss of my faith itself.  The security and peace of mind that came so easily when I believed has been hard to come by as an atheist.

I have spent this weekend clearing out the last remnants of my Christian life.  Yesterday, I went though my bookshelves and boxed up all of my Christian books.  It will still be a while before I can get rid of everything (unless I just throw it all out), but at least my living room bookcase isn’t full of Christian living books.

Today, I have been working on my craft/cooking blog.  It’s called “All Things Hold Together,” which comes from Colossians 1:17.

15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16 For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. (NIV)

I started that blog after I stopped blogging at She’s Right the first time in April of 2007.  I believed that God wanted me to stop blogging at that site and focus less on politics.  (I went back to it 4 months later, moving to wordpress.)

I wanted to create a blog that would encompass all areas of my life: homeschooling, faith, family, crafting, cooking, and also politics and current events, occasionally.  (Get it?  All Things Hold Together.)

Since leaving Christianity, I redesigned ATHT to be a craft/cooking blog, but the name has bothered me for a few months now.  I don’t like that it comes from a bible verse.  I just feel like it doesn’t represent me, and it’s misleading.

I already own the domain charitytensel.com, for obvious reasons, but I have never really used it for anything major, so I decided to transfer all of my cooking and crafting posts over to a blog at charitytensel.com.

Cleaning out my bookshelf was kind of sad.  A lot of those books have a history.  Many of them were given to us by people we cared about, who are no longer in our lives.

The blog change-over, however, is a huge relief.  There is no sadness for me in leaving that blog.  The fact that it had such a Christian name has been nagging at me for months, but I couldn’t think of a new name that I wanted to use.  I am just happy to have it resolved and taken care of.

Still, I am left feeling a bit melancholy on this gray fall day.  I have experienced a lot of loss this past year.  I try to focus on the benefits gained, which are many, but sometimes there are days like this.

Even good changes can be hard.

1. I truly don’t mean this to be insulting, so please don’t take it that way, but what is your motivation to live a moral, upstanding life without the guidance of the rules of God and the Bible? I know you guys do this, but I’m not sure I understand how it works without concrete guidance.

I think to someone who has always been an atheist, this sounds like a silly question, and why wouldn’t it?  You are motivated to live a moral, upstanding life, and you clearly see the moral downfalls of Christianity.

But, as someone who left evangelical Christianity, I can tell you, this is a big concern for someone leaving the faith.

When you are a Christian, you have standards of behavior dictated to you.  But, even beyond that, you are told that everything good – goodness itself, even – comes from God, and that it cannot exist without him.

Without God, there is no right or wrong.

I actually had Christian friends tell me this when I came out as an atheist to them.

I, myself, had a moment where I rambled off an e-mail to an atheist friend ultimately asking how I was supposed to know right from wrong.

I’ll tell you what he said to me: You were a good person before you became a Christian, and you’re a good person now.  Stop over thinking everything.

That’s right, I wasn’t always a Christian.  I became a Christian at 28!  So, even though I spent the better part of my life as a non-believer (Ha!  Better part in more ways than one!), I was still afraid that I wouldn’t know right from wrong without Christianity.

Okay, so the question was how it works.

My motivation for living a moral life is that I want my interactions with the people around me to be positive, mutually enjoyable relationships.  In order for that to happen, I need to treat people with dignity, honesty, respect, and kindness.  In other words, the way I want to be treated.

This does not guarantee that I will always be treated that way in return, but I can’t control that (neither could I as a Christian).  I still need to do my part to create the kind of world that I want to live in.

As Wil Wheaton says, “Don’t be a dick.”

It’s really that simple.  There are a lot of moral philosophies out there, if you want more specifics, but they pretty much all boil down to that.

You can always flip the question around, if that helps.  If you have only this life, why wouldn’t you want to have positive relationships with the people around you?  What motivation would you have to behave immorally, that is, in a way that hurts other people?

2. For those of you who were once Christians (I’m guessing there are some), how did you reconcile your atheism/agnosticism with your relationship with your Christian family/friends? How do you tell them? Do you still go to church for the fellowship but just don’t pray/participate? Did you lose friends/family in your process of change?

I will not sugar coat it, this is by far the most painful part of leaving Christianity.  How painful it is depends a lot on your family and friends.

My extended family is not Christian, and they thought I was totally weird when I was deeply into the evangelical lifestyle, so they were fine with my atheism.  I told them about it pretty much right away.

My inner circle of Christian friends had moved away, one by one, to Texas, so I told them via e-mail.  That was pretty difficult.  The worst part was that most of them just ignored me.  After years of close fellowship and sharing intimate details about myself and my faith, they said nothing.

Except the ones who did, which was pretty harsh, too.  I heard all of the usual lines – how can I deny the things I have experienced, how can an intelligent woman like me deny all of the evidence of a creator, how will I have any joy in life without Jesus, and for good measure, what about the children!?!

For me, the hardest part was telling my husband.  And for good reason, he totally flipped out.  He thought the worst possible things that Christians are taught to think about atheists.  About me.  His wife.  It hurt, a lot.

Fortunately, I was able to remind him that I wasn’t a Christian when we married and he thought I was a good person then, and that I am still the same person.  After that, he was better, but not great.

It wasn’t until I got him to talk about his doubts, and to realize that he disbelieved almost as much as I did, that we were able to come to a good place.

I know, and so does he, that we would have divorced if he had not left the church, too.  And not because I couldn’t tolerate his being a Christian, but because evangelical Christianity has no tolerance for atheists.  It would not have been a healthy relationship.

I still haven’t told my in-laws, and I am not sure if I ever will.  They live in another state, so I feel like it’s okay to not bring it up.  They are catholic, not evangelical, so I don’t have to deal with religiosity and prayer at their house.

As for going to church, I went once after I decided that I didn’t believe any more.  I hated it.  For the entire sermon, my inner voice was arguing with everything the pastor said.  It was such bunk.  I just couldn’t stand it.

To clarify, my emotions were high for the first four months or so.  Everything was felt in an extreme.  I might have been okay, if I decided I wanted to continue going (and I would have if my husband wanted to), but I didn’t give it a chance.  I didn’t have any reason to.

I never told the people at my church home that I became an atheist.  I could not face them after the negative reaction from my Texas friends.  I was too fragile at that time.  Then, it became moot, since I just stopped going to church.

The bottom line is, you know the people who will not accept atheism or will really struggle with it.  Those relationships will be strained and hurtful things will be said to you.  It is up to you how much you value those relationships and if they are able to be salvaged.  It takes work, time, and forgiveness, but it can be done.  I am still on good terms with my old Christian friends, and my relationship with my husband is better than it has ever been for all the things we had to talk through.

Even though I had some painful losses from leaving Christianity, it has been totally worth it for what I have gained in my life by being free from a dogmatic and controlling religion.

I had to laugh when I read that.  Can you imagine if a woman said that about her husband?

Fred isn’t controlling, but he demands I live a certain way.

How would we respond to that?  We wouldn’t expect a woman to tolerate a husband who demanded she live a certain way.

Yet, somehow, it is okay that a benevolent god holds that attitude.

I heard the god-as-abusive-spouse argument when I was a Christian and, honestly, I thought it was stupid.  I thought it was a stretch.  I did not think it was an accurate comparison.

But, it really is.  It is twisted to tell people that god loves them, but they are inherently bad.  That god accepts them, but they need to change.  That god has given them freedom, but he will punish them if they do not live his way.

I don’t think that it works to try to point out to a Christian that they are worshiping an emotionally abusive and controlling god.  When you are in it, you cannot see the truth in that.  You dismiss it, thinking that the person making the claim just doesn’t understand.

But, I think it is important for someone coming out of Christianity to hear this and take it to heart.  It helps with the healing process.

There are a lot of emotional scars to deal with after leaving Christianity.  After being told constantly that your worth comes from god, and that you are worthless without his love, it takes a while to regain your own sense of self-worth.

That process begins with understanding that “god” is the bad one, not you.

Let’s compare what I would have done, if I were still a Christian, with what I did.

Christian Charity would have prayed.

Atheist Charity felt sorry for herself for about two minutes, then set to work figuring out how she was going to get herself back on track, started right to work on that plan, then got together with her sister for some good, healthy venting.  Twice.

I didn’t have to wait on the Lord.  I didn’t have to figure out what God was trying to teach me.  I wasn’t lulled into a false sense of security by my belief that God would get me through it.

I just had to do what I needed to do to get myself through it, and remember that I have people who are there for me when I need them.

I like being an atheist.

That was a label that I have shied away from over the past 10 months.  I always felt awkward when someone would call me that, or ask me how the atheism is going.  It’s a word that carries a lot of negative baggage in our society.

If this incident has taught me anything, it’s that I shouldn’t be ashamed to be an atheist.  I shouldn’t shy away from the fact that I have found freedom from an oppressive (and repressive) religion, a renewed appreciation for life (instead of always looking forward to the afterlife), and the strength that was inside myself all along.

In other words, it has been yet another test of what to do now that I don’t have god to lean on.

Surprisingly, I have not felt for even one second through this like I needed god.  What a long, long way I have come in the past several months.

I have always believed that everything will work out for me.  My mom always used to say that whenever something was wrong.  It will work out; it always does.

Now there is a woman who has been though a rough life.  And yet, things always did work out.

So, I just sort of adopted that mantra and, when I became a Christian, I transferred that faith onto God.  God was the reason that everything would eventually work out.

One day last month, I was thinking about something that might happen and my first reaction was, don’t worry, everything will work out.

Then, I stopped myself.  Based on what?? How can I know that everything will work out when I don’t believe in God anymore?  I have no assurance that there is a master plan that all works out in the end.

Then I realized that I do believe in something.  I believe in myself.  I know that I have the strength, knowledge, intelligence, and creativity to find solutions and make my life better.  That is something I can believe in and that is how I know that everything will work out.

I also believe in other people.  I know that I have friends and family that love me and that is why everything will always be okay, no matter what happens.

That doesn’t mean that things won’t get tough.  They got tough when I was a Christian, too.  But, I no longer need the promise of an afterlife free from pain to get me through.

Life is still worth living, even with the bad parts.  The bad parts eventually pass, making the good parts seem even better.

Yeah, it’s true that an atheist doesn’t react to god.  There is no god to react to.  But, that comment was not made in response to someone’s reaction to god.  It was a reaction to religion, religious people, and religious texts.

People who don’t believe in god are often accused of being mad at god.  You can’t be mad at something that doesn’t exist.  You can be mad at the things people do in the name of god.  You can be mad at that things people believe about god, or about what god thinks of other people, such as gays or women.  But, you can’t actually be mad at a non-existent being.

When I told my Christian friends that I was an atheist (via facebook message – yeah, I went there), one of them sent me an e-mail saying that I was obviously in pain and having a hard time, and asking what was in my heart.

The funny thing was, I was not in pain or having a hard time.  But for some reason, to Christians, not believing in god = being mad at god.

In that case, I’m mad at Santa Claus too.  He never brought me any presents.

Should a “true atheist” have no reaction to god?  No.  God is such a part of this world, how could one not have a reaction?

God may not be real, but beliefs in him and the actions based on those beliefs affect the everyday lives of atheists.  And as long as that is the case, you’d better believe that atheists will react.

Coincidentally, a few hours after I saw that, a friend of mine, who is going through a nasty divorce, asked me to write a letter on her behalf for her to take with her to a hearing today.

She didn’t ask me to pray for her.  She asked me to do something that might actually help.

I used to pray for people, and I did think I was doing something.  But, I didn’t pray for my friend.  I wrote the letter.  I offered to watch her children while she was at court.  I listened while she talked to me about the situation.  I offered to help in any other way that I can.

People often say that prayer is something they do when there is nothing they can do to help the situation, when they feel helpless.

Being without god does not leave me helpless.  There are always things you can do.  Even when you can’t actually do anything to change the circumstances or outcome – as is usually the case – you can always find a way to be there for the person.

* Speaking of Christian facebook friends, wouldn’t it be fun to start a blog called, “Stupid Crap My Christian Facebook Friends Post,” and have everyone contribute?  Someone should do that.  I know I am not the only one rolling my eyes every time I read facebook.  This could be the outlet we are all looking for!

I have the feeds organized into folders: homeschooling, craft blogs, food blogs, political blogs, Vermont blogs, skeptics, random, and probably a couple others I can’t think of off the top of my head.  So, I can pretty easily ignore the feeds I don’t read by keeping the folder closed.

But I wonder if I will ever go back to reading the blogs of the Christian homeschooling moms that I felt such a kinship with only a year or two ago.  So much has changed that I no longer feel like I am reading the words of someone I connect with, but someone who I cannot even relate to.

I find myself wondering how I could have ever thought these women to be so sensible and level-headed, when they now seem so strange and misguided.

I am sure I am projecting a lot.  Just because my contentment with the evangelical Christian lifestyle was only an illusion that I convinced myself was real, doesn’t mean that other people are not genuinely happy with that life.

Still, I have a hard time imagining many people would choose such a self-sacrificing path, if not for the belief that it was divinely required of them.

There is a reason that Christian homeschooling moms, especially the quiverfull variety with their bevy of children, are fond of saying that they could not do it without God’s strength.  They are doing more than is mentally or physically healthy for one person to do.

Unless they have a reality show, or own a patriarchal book company, or have some other means of wealth, most of these families are struggling.  Something has to give and often it’s the mom’s health.

One of the best things that has happened to me since leaving Christianity is realizing that I need to put myself first and that it is not a sin.  No more JOY for me – Jesus first, then Others, Yourself last.

Instead, I have health, sanity, fitness, to name a few.  I actually take time to exercise and take walks alone.  Now, I’m happier and feel better.  Imagine that!

Just yesterday, I was at the doctor and she made a remark about probably not being able to find time to exercise with homeschooling three boys.  I said, “Yeah, I used to be like that, but not any more.  I just tell them, ‘Too bad, I need this!’”

I used to think all of the advice to moms that insisted they need to take time for themselves first was so misguided and was part of what was wrong with our culture.

It is not.

Sure, there is no shortage of moms out there who take it to the extreme and their “me” time is all the time.  But, there are many more moms who put themselves last.

Most people recognize this as reality, but acknowledge that it’s not good.

Christianity, in contrast, holds it up as the model of womanhood.

It’s not.  It’s the model of a breeder animal, combined with a work animal.

Have babies, work hard, don’t complain.

Having children, spending time with them, educating them at home, making that your job until they are adults – that’s fine.  That’s what I’m doing.  Having no time for yourself, having no outside interests (talking about mothering and homeschooling online doesn’t count), and neglecting your emotional and physical needs – that’s not.

It is hard for me to read the blogs written by women who are living a life that took me so long to realize was harmful.  For one, it brings up a lot of stuff.  But mostly, it just makes me sad to see women living this way and not realizing that they don’t have to.

I have finally made it through most, if not all, of the grieving process.  I think people who have always been non-believers have no idea what a sense of loss it is when you lose God.  It was really hard for a while.  Almost like losing a parent, in a sense.  But, I am not feeling that loss any more.  I am so much happier now.

I feel like I have grown so much in the past months.  I never realized how emotionally stunted I had become, but when you are a grown-up with grown-up responsibilities and you are still leaning on a parent (our Father in Heaven) for support for everything in your life, you cannot grow up.

It’s like I was that guy living in his parent’s basement.

Well, I moved out and have been on my own for more than 8 months.  I have encountered a lot of pitfalls, made some stupid decision (none with long-lasting consequences, thankfully), and learned so much about myself.

And I feel terrific.  Really, really terrific.

I have finally started to deal with the things that I was running from when I became a Christian.  Receiving forgiveness from God did nothing to heal the pain.  You can only move on from your past after you confront it.  By becoming a Christian, I was merely sweeping it under the rug.

I am so much healthier now, emotionally and physically.

There are a lot of things that I want to post about in more detail, but I wanted to give you a quick update on how things are going for me personally.

Thank you for reading and showing me your support.  I really appreciate all of you who have taken the time to write to me.