On Morality Without God & Telling Christians You’re an Atheist

Over at Pharyngula, PZ Myers had a post highlighting a comment he received from a Christian, who is beginning to doubt his faith.  Since the process of leaving Christianity is still fresh in my mind, and in many ways I am still going through it, I wanted to talk about my experience in response to the questions.

1. I truly don’t mean this to be insulting, so please don’t take it that way, but what is your motivation to live a moral, upstanding life without the guidance of the rules of God and the Bible? I know you guys do this, but I’m not sure I understand how it works without concrete guidance.

I think to someone who has always been an atheist, this sounds like a silly question, and why wouldn’t it?  You are motivated to live a moral, upstanding life, and you clearly see the moral downfalls of Christianity.

But, as someone who left evangelical Christianity, I can tell you, this is a big concern for someone leaving the faith.

When you are a Christian, you have standards of behavior dictated to you.  But, even beyond that, you are told that everything good – goodness itself, even – comes from God, and that it cannot exist without him.

Without God, there is no right or wrong.

I actually had Christian friends tell me this when I came out as an atheist to them.

I, myself, had a moment where I rambled off an e-mail to an atheist friend ultimately asking how I was supposed to know right from wrong.

I’ll tell you what he said to me: You were a good person before you became a Christian, and you’re a good person now.  Stop over thinking everything.

That’s right, I wasn’t always a Christian.  I became a Christian at 28!  So, even though I spent the better part of my life as a non-believer (Ha!  Better part in more ways than one!), I was still afraid that I wouldn’t know right from wrong without Christianity.

Okay, so the question was how it works.

My motivation for living a moral life is that I want my interactions with the people around me to be positive, mutually enjoyable relationships.  In order for that to happen, I need to treat people with dignity, honesty, respect, and kindness.  In other words, the way I want to be treated.

This does not guarantee that I will always be treated that way in return, but I can’t control that (neither could I as a Christian).  I still need to do my part to create the kind of world that I want to live in.

As Wil Wheaton says, “Don’t be a dick.”

It’s really that simple.  There are a lot of moral philosophies out there, if you want more specifics, but they pretty much all boil down to that.

You can always flip the question around, if that helps.  If you have only this life, why wouldn’t you want to have positive relationships with the people around you?  What motivation would you have to behave immorally, that is, in a way that hurts other people?

2. For those of you who were once Christians (I’m guessing there are some), how did you reconcile your atheism/agnosticism with your relationship with your Christian family/friends? How do you tell them? Do you still go to church for the fellowship but just don’t pray/participate? Did you lose friends/family in your process of change?

I will not sugar coat it, this is by far the most painful part of leaving Christianity.  How painful it is depends a lot on your family and friends.

My extended family is not Christian, and they thought I was totally weird when I was deeply into the evangelical lifestyle, so they were fine with my atheism.  I told them about it pretty much right away.

My inner circle of Christian friends had moved away, one by one, to Texas, so I told them via e-mail.  That was pretty difficult.  The worst part was that most of them just ignored me.  After years of close fellowship and sharing intimate details about myself and my faith, they said nothing.

Except the ones who did, which was pretty harsh, too.  I heard all of the usual lines – how can I deny the things I have experienced, how can an intelligent woman like me deny all of the evidence of a creator, how will I have any joy in life without Jesus, and for good measure, what about the children!?!

For me, the hardest part was telling my husband.  And for good reason, he totally flipped out.  He thought the worst possible things that Christians are taught to think about atheists.  About me.  His wife.  It hurt, a lot.

Fortunately, I was able to remind him that I wasn’t a Christian when we married and he thought I was a good person then, and that I am still the same person.  After that, he was better, but not great.

It wasn’t until I got him to talk about his doubts, and to realize that he disbelieved almost as much as I did, that we were able to come to a good place.

I know, and so does he, that we would have divorced if he had not left the church, too.  And not because I couldn’t tolerate his being a Christian, but because evangelical Christianity has no tolerance for atheists.  It would not have been a healthy relationship.

I still haven’t told my in-laws, and I am not sure if I ever will.  They live in another state, so I feel like it’s okay to not bring it up.  They are catholic, not evangelical, so I don’t have to deal with religiosity and prayer at their house.

As for going to church, I went once after I decided that I didn’t believe any more.  I hated it.  For the entire sermon, my inner voice was arguing with everything the pastor said.  It was such bunk.  I just couldn’t stand it.

To clarify, my emotions were high for the first four months or so.  Everything was felt in an extreme.  I might have been okay, if I decided I wanted to continue going (and I would have if my husband wanted to), but I didn’t give it a chance.  I didn’t have any reason to.

I never told the people at my church home that I became an atheist.  I could not face them after the negative reaction from my Texas friends.  I was too fragile at that time.  Then, it became moot, since I just stopped going to church.

The bottom line is, you know the people who will not accept atheism or will really struggle with it.  Those relationships will be strained and hurtful things will be said to you.  It is up to you how much you value those relationships and if they are able to be salvaged.  It takes work, time, and forgiveness, but it can be done.  I am still on good terms with my old Christian friends, and my relationship with my husband is better than it has ever been for all the things we had to talk through.

Even though I had some painful losses from leaving Christianity, it has been totally worth it for what I have gained in my life by being free from a dogmatic and controlling religion.