I can live with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. I think it’s much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong. I have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things, but I’m not absolutely sure of anything and there are many things I don’t know anything about, such as whether it means anything to ask why we’re here. I don’t have to know the answer. I don’t feel frightened by not knowing things, by being lost in a mysterious universe without any purpose, which is the way it really is as far as I can tell. It doesn’t frighten me. ~ Richard Feynman, Nobel Laureate in Physics
I am not posting that quote because I agree with it. Quite the contrary, that is a quote that does not describe me at all. I have to know all the answers. I can’t live with not knowing. I need things to make sense and fit into neat little packages.
But that is not the world we live in, is it? No, we live in a world that is nothing if not uncertain.
I don’t know if I would say it “frightens” me, though. So, at least I’ve got that to work with. And there are things about which I am wholly content to not know the answers, such as where we came from and how it all began.
A close Christian friend of mine, upon learning that I had become an atheist, launched right in to the creation vs. evolution talking points, complete with links to intelligent design websites and all. I responded by telling her that I have read the arguments on both sides and determined that I can’t know and don’t really care how life began.
The reason I feel the need to evaluate where I am with respect to that quote is that I want to be there. I read that and am just amazed! That’s how I want to feel about uncertainty and not knowing.
But I’m not there. I have this part of my mind that functions like a computer, needing the proper syntax on all input. Anything that doesn’t fit with a known algorithm causes the entire system to lock up, blue screen of death-style.
There’s a lot about the world that doesn’t fit with any known algorithm. To try to find an explanation for everything is so limiting. Trying to understand everything is an exercise in futility.
I find it interesting that the above quote comes from a physicist. I fell in love with physics when I took it in high school. It explained the way the world worked. I loved that. It satisfied my need for everything to be explained. I went on to major in physics in college. But after the first two years, something happened. The topics started to get more and more theoretical. If you know anything about theoretical physics, you know that it bears a remarkable resemblance to bull shit. I was looking for something a little more concrete, so I switched my major to mathematics.
I lacked, and still lack to some degree, the open-mindedness to embrace the journey into the unknowable that physics represents. I was more inclined toward the concrete exactness that I found in math.
My dislike for the unknown is one of the things that my recent apostasy has forced me to confront. I all of the sudden found myself not knowing anything, where I previously had an answer for everything. Not only did I determine that those answers were likely false, but that the entire framework within which those answers were formed was also likely false.
At first, it was scary, for not only did I find myself without answers that I previously had, but I was also without any sort of framework within which to find new answers.
But then, a funny thing happened. I started to realize that I don’t need answers to everything, that there are some things for which there are no answers. Not only that, but I started to realize that trying to find all the answers and make everything fit into neat little packages has been holding me back from appreciating how amazing it actually is to live in a mysterious universe without any purpose.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still not okay with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. I cannot yet say that I don’t have to know the answer. But, I am not frightened by it. I want to embrace it. I know that it will be much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.
I might not be there, yet, but I have taken some major steps in that direction. And I know that I will get there someday.
